Update

I am trying to end the emotional writing void I have hit over the last . . three years. Vincent is growing up so fast. I will include his latest pictures. He will 1 year in 25 days. I try to hold on and cherish every moment with him. I'm afraid that I will blink and he will be married with his own kids. My mom always makes me worried that time will escape me and I will have regrets about all the time that I wasted. Every morning that I wake up exhausted again, I try to remind myself that Vincent will only want my attention for so many years.

This summer has been packed with camping trips. Here is pictures from Vincents first three camping trips

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Vincent does really well camping, but hates how his mom won't let him play in the dirt like Lucy.

I really wanted Vincent to experience fireworks this year, but stupid Utah did the stadium of fire two days before the actual holiday and I assumed it would be the day of Independence Day - silly me what was I thinking . . . Here is a cute video from the freedom festival.

Jesse is in school right now and he is going into engineering. He seems to really like, but the stress of getting through school drains him. I try not to say anything to him, but he knows it kills me to leave Vincent everyday. Everyday when I leave he gives me this sad puppy look that says, "I did this to you."

Work has been really great this summer. This summer has been full of surprises so thank goodness the kids give me plenty of hugs to make up for the stress. I watched and feel that I helped a kid completely transform his behavior from feeding off of every negative thing he could to now saying "yes ma'am" to me. I never asked him to say that, but he loves the attention he gets from being so polite and good. Its been a very fulfilling summer. Luckily those kids keep me busy enough not to miss home too much. Some of my favorite quotes of the Summer are

Kid - "Did you know there are 100 persons in the world"

Me - " There is a bit more than that."

Kid - " No there isn't because 100 is where the numbers end."

Me - "oh thanks for letting me know that."

Kid (covering half his eyes) - "Did you know that I can see half the future?"

Me - "oh cool what do you look like.

Kid - "well you know older."

Autistic kid - "Help, K___ is being mean"

Staff - tell him to leave you alone"

kid - "I don't use that language."

Staff - "Who should you give compliments to?"

Kid - "God and Jesus Christ, they really like it."

Kid - " Christina look what I got!" - kid shows me the instructions of a transformer

Me - "Wow you got a transformer!"

Kid " No my brother got the transformer, I got the instructions!!!!"

This kid loves to horde paper so it was thrilling to him.

That is all I can think of at the time. Unfortunately I don't get kids asking me how I got pregnant this year.

Here are more pictures of Vincent.

Jesse's 3 bear rendition of breakfast, oh I love my husband

stress

This week has been stressful. Yesterday we went in to the doctor and since my blood pressure was high they sent us to the hospital to make sure that everything was okay. I had to lay in a hospital bed with monitors on my tummy while getting my blood pressure taken in one arm and my blood taken in the other arm, if that doesn't inspire more stress I'm not sure what will. Jesse had to drag me over there because I didn't want to go because I was scared. I hope thats not how I will react when I do go into labor. I was scared of being induced with all the possible complications, but I just didn't feel ready, I always thought that when I would go into labor I would have contractions to get me ready for it. Anyway I got to lay on the bed of death and wait for all the tests to come back for two hours. I think Jesse was excited because we might have the baby that day, I was not and was annoyed by his unwillingness to support me and my fears (can guys ever really care, its not their body going through hell). I love my husband, but I think he really wants pregnant Christina to be gone. The baby's heartbeat was really good. He kept kicking the monitors and trying to move away from them. The nurse kept having to move the monitor and said well your baby sure seems healthy. That was comforting. My blood pressure dropped and was fine. My blood tests all came back normal. Now I get the lovely opportunity of keeping 24 hours worth of urine. Too much information??? I thought it was annoying to have to pee three times a night, but now I had to put it into a jug. Oh such a hassle . . the things we do for children. In about fifteen minutes that will be over and I get to do the whole monitoring thing again at the hospital. I went to Ikea for my mom's birthday and didn't go pee for a long time - there is nothing worse than being a pregnant woman who has to pee On a side note, i had no idea that i peed so much in a 24 hour period - sick and gross. As I was miserable in Ikea I thought of the ten most miserable things in pregnancy.

1. having to pee all the time in various containers

2. swollen extremities

3. the inability to bend

4. the inability to sleep

5. the inability to eat without feeling sick

6. the vast amount of puke that can come out of you

7. feeling unattractive

8. stretch marks

9. waiting

10. the unbearable heat

The End (There were many more that I wont get into.)

babys rom and general discomfort

We finished the baby's room yesterday and I literally cried because it is so adorable and made me feel so happy. Here are some pictures of it.

My mother has moved out = Jesse and I are feeling somewhat normal again.

We have forty days left until the baby and that is pretty much the only thing on my brain.

why can't I get up?

Well I have found my friday wasted today. It started out promising, I woke up early adn headed off to work for a half day. Around one when I got home I found myself curled up (as much as you can with a baby in your belly) on my couch unable to move. Thee hours later I am still here. I feel kind of pathetic. I read in some pregnancy book about how you hit the lull of pregnancy where you are tired of being pregnant and you just want the dang kid already!!! I think I might be feeling that. However being a psychology major background I have taken it further to analyze exactly what has been going on in life.

Now I ask you why would you cry hysterically every time you listen to such songs as "This Used to Be My Playground" by Madonna, "I will remember you," by Sarah McLachlan. "Landlside," by Fleetwood Mac, "As Tears Fall," and pretty much any Samples song. Okay if you are really confused now, these songs make me cry because they remind me of home. I'm really not the typical misser of home, I couldn't wait to leave it for the first 17 years of my life, but my mom has sold her house. I have had to bear the emotional support for my mom and suddenly I found myself bawling after having a dream about my house. How do you let go of all the memories and realizing that you can never experience the place you had them in again? I accepted long ago that home will never be that place where I feel like I belong. there is something about leaving home that makes it so you can really never come back and feel as if that is where you should be. I love how Catcher In the Rye embodies that feeling of not belonging any longer. So what do I do? Every-time I picture myself entering that those I can't handle the feeling of emptiness. I feel like I will totally lose it when I go home. My mom can't handle anyone else freaking out, she does that enough for everyone. Anyway I suppose that is one reason I am sad.

Well I started this blog a couple weeks ago.

The day before I left I chopped all of my hair off. It may have been a pregnancy thing, but really when I think about it I think it was a symbol of me cutting off something that was part of m e i.e. my home and past. Maybe it was cathartic, cut I am still not crazy about my hair. One of my kids told m e it was beautiful so that made me feel better.

We went last week and moved out. I have to admit that I cried the whole entire time. Just looking at the house empty made me die a little bit inside. The funnies part is that my mom said later on that i am very unemotional and never cry. I'm pretty sure that I cried the most. Adam was glad to leave. I tried to think of every bad memory that I could. I couldn't think of any.

With my mom driving me crazy and the stress I feel as if I have gone a bit nuts. The drive back from CO was 11 hours because we were following the moving truck. My mother whined the whole entire drive. I'm sure she will say it is my fault that she is sick when she decides that she is. We3 moved all of her stuff into the storage unit that day.

The next day I went back to work.

The next day I went to work then the ultrasound. We are having a boy! I think his name will be Vince. I had no emotion yesterday. After all the crap I was worrying about at home I couldn't bring myself to show any emotion. I couldn't even bring myself to call hardly anyone, Jesse called most of my family and friends. I started thinking that I would be a bad mother to a little boy. My mother made me cry after the appointment because she asked the doctor if I was gaining weight too much. I am actually right on track, but you don't say that to a pregnant woman. Everything is well with our baby boy. He is moving more than ever. He distracts me all of the time,. I just hope I can live up to being the mother he needs.

Today the next day I had my licensing exam for becoming a Social Service Worker. I had to wake up early and I was really stressing out about this. I hadn't really had any time to study for it as is evident by this long blog. I showed up this morning and did the three hour test. By the ned I was about to scratch my eyes out. I was starting to be unable to comprehend simple words. it really has been far too long since I have been in school. Well I was worried about passing due to the cost. I PASSED !!!! I did actually quite well. What a stupid test. I will get a second raise this month. At least I know God has some mercies. My mother is still harping at me, her voice hasn't started yelling at me agin.

Good news

With one day left till I'm 13 weeks, I guess I can announce that I'M PREGNANT!!!!! So if I have been acting dazed out, or freaked out, or tired, or sickly now you know why. I feel like the world should know I'm pregnant it is the thing that occupies all my thoughts. Plus I think I am so fat that who wouldn't know. I knew I was pregnant when my dog wouldn't stop sniffing my butt. Thank you Lucy. I'm afraid for the deformities my child will probably have because of my two bouts of srep throat and the flu. Thanks to my mom I'mpretty sure that everyone already knows anyway. Jesse and I are so excited and petrified. Here is the ultra sound from last week.

On another note I have discovered two new songs that I love. Last request by Paulo something and Lullaby by Creed. Both songs make me cry. That may not say much seeing as I am always crying. If you want to check out some awesome Regina Spektor songs, these are my favorites. - One more time with Feeling, Laughing With, Hero, Blue Lips, and Eet.

Christmas and the following sickness

I really haven't written in far too long. For Christmas we went to my brother Adam's house in California. It was much warmer there -FINALLY WARMTH!!! Here is a family picture. I can't believe how big our family is now.
Its amazing that we all fit in one house. It was one of the first successful holidays without any major blowouts, mostly from my mother.
Jesse won my brother's affection by bringing a prime rib roast that was the hugest thing I have ever seen.
Breanne announced she was pregnant by having her youngest open a gift that was a shirt that said "I'm going to be a big sister." I was shocked, I'm not going to lie. Shes due at the end of July.

Due to the high volume of people in one house and the great quantity of slobber - I got sick (although I think I got it from my mom). I'm still trying to get over that, but while having that I came down with strep throat. So now I have plenty of time to write in my blog because I have been stuck at home for the last four days. I am doing a lot better, except i have run out of TV shows to watch online. Well actually if you really have nothing to do CBS has the original star trek episodes online. They are pretty awesome actually. Although when you are sick the noises make you a little nauseous. Jesse is already back to work after having strep throat for less time. He is such a tank he gets sick and is out for one-to-two days. Dang my crappy immune system.

talking away I don't know what to say but I'll say it anyway

I realized that my blog really needs updating. So I guess while I make a cd for my trip that I will update the blog.
Well today was one of those days where I think I should just shut myself in a room and have no human contact because I think i pissed every living soul off. It makes me wonder what I got myself into by sealing my fate in provo. I planned a ton of stuff for the weekend before Dara's bday, but then I didn't even call her on her birthday. I keep doing stupid things like that.
Well on a more upbeat note, I am leaving for California on friday. I think I need a long break from everything. We are going to go to san diego, then we are going up to the saquilia forest and going camping with my brother and fam. Then we are going to st George. I just want to do a few specific things, but I won't go into detail.
We are getting a lot further in the process with the house. We will hear officially by next week. I hope to get the H*** out of this apartment and its great lack of a dishwasher.
Well despite not calling Dara for her birthday I had a lot of fun planning and spoiling her. We went to an Irish restuarant in Jordan called Mcools. It was okay, really cheesy though. We then went to 7 peaks and did the summer party AKA drunk high schooler grinding party. It was still really fun though. The next day we did a picnic. I hope she liked it.