Friday, April 2, 2010

why can't I get up?

Well I have found my friday wasted today. It started out promising, I woke up early adn headed off to work for a half day. Around one when I got home I found myself curled up (as much as you can with a baby in your belly) on my couch unable to move. Thee hours later I am still here. I feel kind of pathetic. I read in some pregnancy book about how you hit the lull of pregnancy where you are tired of being pregnant and you just want the dang kid already!!! I think I might be feeling that. However being a psychology major background I have taken it further to analyze exactly what has been going on in life.
Now I ask you why would you cry hysterically every time you listen to such songs as "This Used to Be My Playground" by Madonna, "I will remember you," by Sarah McLachlan. "Landlside," by Fleetwood Mac, "As Tears Fall," and pretty much any Samples song. Okay if you are really confused now, these songs make me cry because they remind me of home. I'm really not the typical misser of home, I couldn't wait to leave it for the first 17 years of my life, but my mom has sold her house. I have had to bear the emotional support for my mom and suddenly I found myself bawling after having a dream about my house. How do you let go of all the memories and realizing that you can never experience the place you had them in again? I accepted long ago that home will never be that place where I feel like I belong. there is something about leaving home that makes it so you can really never come back and feel as if that is where you should be. I love how Catcher In the Rye embodies that feeling of not belonging any longer. So what do I do? Every-time I picture myself entering that those I can't handle the feeling of emptiness. I feel like I will totally lose it when I go home. My mom can't handle anyone else freaking out, she does that enough for everyone. Anyway I suppose that is one reason I am sad.
Well I started this blog a couple weeks ago.
The day before I left I chopped all of my hair off. It may have been a pregnancy thing, but really when I think about it I think it was a symbol of me cutting off something that was part of m e i.e. my home and past. Maybe it was cathartic, cut I am still not crazy about my hair. One of my kids told m e it was beautiful so that made me feel better.
We went last week and moved out. I have to admit that I cried the whole entire time. Just looking at the house empty made me die a little bit inside. The funnies part is that my mom said later on that i am very unemotional and never cry. I'm pretty sure that I cried the most. Adam was glad to leave. I tried to think of every bad memory that I could. I couldn't think of any.
With my mom driving me crazy and the stress I feel as if I have gone a bit nuts. The drive back from CO was 11 hours because we were following the moving truck. My mother whined the whole entire drive. I'm sure she will say it is my fault that she is sick when she decides that she is. We3 moved all of her stuff into the storage unit that day.
The next day I went back to work.
The next day I went to work then the ultrasound. We are having a boy! I think his name will be Vince. I had no emotion yesterday. After all the crap I was worrying about at home I couldn't bring myself to show any emotion. I couldn't even bring myself to call hardly anyone, Jesse called most of my family and friends. I started thinking that I would be a bad mother to a little boy. My mother made me cry after the appointment because she asked the doctor if I was gaining weight too much. I am actually right on track, but you don't say that to a pregnant woman. Everything is well with our baby boy. He is moving more than ever. He distracts me all of the time,. I just hope I can live up to being the mother he needs.
Today the next day I had my licensing exam for becoming a Social Service Worker. I had to wake up early and I was really stressing out about this. I hadn't really had any time to study for it as is evident by this long blog. I showed up this morning and did the three hour test. By the ned I was about to scratch my eyes out. I was starting to be unable to comprehend simple words. it really has been far too long since I have been in school. Well I was worried about passing due to the cost. I PASSED !!!! I did actually quite well. What a stupid test. I will get a second raise this month. At least I know God has some mercies. My mother is still harping at me, her voice hasn't started yelling at me agin.

National Geographic POD